The End Has Come

  It has been quite a while since I have written. During that time, I have moved again, back to Berlin, back to Spandau, forged new friendships, enrolled in college, and graduated from high school. I have also had a vast amount of time to think about the impending future, how I will live my life going forward, and what I have learned over the course of this year.

That introduction was written in July, and the post never finished. Over the course of my year in Germany, I became disillusioned with some of the aspects of blogging about an exchange. Many of the experiences that you have are so deeply personal, that talking about them on the internet feels wrong. Mentions of your friends are without reference for the vast majority of readers, events are irrelevant and meaningless to all but you, and perhaps, most of all, the feelings and emotions of that time are too great and personal to be properly described by mere words.

Where to begin?...

After Christmas, I moved to Berlin, a few kilometers from where this story began in September of 2014. I went to the same school, the Bertolt Brecht Oberschule. I stayed there for the rest of my time in Germany. I cannot thank my host family enough for that. Despite the closed bathroom window, house overcrowding, and sport ineptitude on my part, everybody made it through. I think. I hope. During those final six months, so much happened.

During January and February I spent a lot of time getting to know Berlin and its environs again. At the end of March, we had Halbzeit Camp in Hamburg. It was nearly five days of activities with the other AFS CBYXers. We talked about how to improve the time going forward, and about what had happened in the previous six months.

My girlfriend and I traveled fairly extensively around Germany and the countries bordering Germany to the east. Over Easter weekend we went to London, St Andrews, Edinburgh, and Dublin.

   

Eventually, End of Stay camp came. It is in Berlin, and AFS was in a hostel in Mitte. The days were packed almost completely full of activities. The highlight of the week was Bundestag day, where we went to the Bundestag and the Kanzlerei. Merkel even came and spoke to us.

After that, the end came quickly. On July 1^st, I said goodbye to my girlfriend for the last time for months, a few days before she left for Frankfurt. On the Fourth of July I left Berlin with the rest of the Berlin-area Americans for the final time. The Komittee director came to see us off. My host brother and two of my friends came as well, to see off the train. When we got to Frankfurt, I almost immediately saw my best friend from Munich again.  The weather dampened the mood, though. It was a little over 100 degrees Fahrenheit outside. The next morning, after a nearly sleepless night, we made it to the Frankfurt am Mein airport. The plane left on time, and not much was said during the flight. At the airport, the non-CBYX students left with their families and the CBYX students were taken to the same hotel where our journey started. We did some of the workshops before being let out to watch the US Women’s soccer team play in the world cup. The next day, we had our graduation ceremony, and without much fanfare were picked up by our families.

It did not really sink in at the time, but those last days signaled the end of an era. For me, those were the last days without responsibility of some kind, the last days of a yearlong dream. A dream, that despite all of the hard times, you wish you could go back and repeat again and again. That excitement on the bus to the airport in September will never be repeated again. That wondrous feeling of falling headfirst into the unknown of exchange will never come again. And that is perhaps why it is so valuable. Those days were a finite resource. What sometimes seems awful about it though, is that it is only now that those days are appreciated for everything that they were.

It is with those thoughts in mind that this chapter of my life is closed. The journey though, has not ended, or even slowed. My time in college will take me across the globe, into all sorts of new unknowns and experiences. This time, however, I hope I have learned to appreciate them.

I have started a new blog for my time in college at: http://inmotioneternal.blogspot.com/

Hopefully, I will actually update it this time. It will be about my time and travels as a member of the Inaugural Class at the Minerva Schools at KGI.

 

Weihnachten mit ein bissel Chaos

      Ich begrüße Sie von Oberbayern. Yuletide is now upon us, for some at last, and for others like me; What happened to three and a half months?... Considering how much has happened in last few months it is surprising that the time has disappeared so quickly. It is starting to feel like quicksilver in my hands. I am again running out of time in my new home. Where I will emerge again is yet unknown.

       Since the 30th of October much has happened. I almost memorized my school schedule. I saw Frankfurt and Munich. I made new friends. Some new people came into my life while others took their bows. I ate more pretzels than I care to admit. I finished college applications. I visited more Weihnachtsmärkte than I thought possible.

       Christmas markets are a mainstay of life from the first week of December on in Germany. They are a sea of humanity as Christmas draws nearer. The Nürnberg market is one of the best known. It is massive, covering most of the old city from church to church. It was an unforgettable experience.

Nürnberg

 Tollwood (Munich)

     The past few months have been a patchwork of experiences. I have found the greatest happiness in my best friend, and have been into the valley of sadness and disappointment as some things dissolve. Again, I think of that oft quoted piece exchange jargon, "Exchange isn't a year in a life, it is a life in a year." Never before has it seemed to be more true. Everything is accelerated to a break-neck pace. You have to be careful to not let things fly past you. Quite simply put, it is one hell of a ride. 

  

As this Christmas comes and goes I remember this from my childhood:   

    

    But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight-

    Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Goodnight Bayern.

Goodnight Doug.

  

Griasdi

Hi Mar

Do not go gentle into that good night

      Another week gone by. Another gauntlet run, another set of trials by fire, another span of time to try a man's soul. What can change in a week? Some might answer almost nothing, others a fair amount. But the truth is, a week is vast. Its a sea of time, of decisions, and of words. It is within the space of seconds, mere drops in the ocean that everything can change. The wrong tack taken, a rogue wave on the broadside. In the space of a single moment floating in time, all can be capsized. Certainties. Assumptions. Long-held truths. One word. One fluid second. And all is changed.

      Everything changed. The culture that I had begun to learn and integrate into is gone now. It is much different here in the South. It is one of the strangest feelings to have culture shock in reference to a culture that is not your own. Then it stacks on to your cultural differences to your home country and makes everything rather confusing. To have your life radically change twice in two months is definitely a new experience. I was worried about the scale of the change and the fact that I had to start everything over again. Despite the difficulties, I feel good that I had the opportunity to make the move. Now, I get to experience a whole new part of Germany, with a culture and landscape most definitively different from my first location.

      The land here raptures me. The soaring peaks draped in white snow with the green of the foothills below are truly works of profound beauty. The Alps seem to be sentinels of history, the fields below their scions. Looking at the majesty of the mountains each day is an experience that is unrivaled by anything else. I love living in Oberbayern.

      In the end though, knowing nothing seems to be fine. The great looming fear of the unknown is something that should never rule your life. It shouldn't stop you from following your dreams. You can survive in the safety of your known world. But that is not living. Life is found in that great Unknown. Life is the Unknown. 

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

The Second First Week: Bayern Edition

     The last two weeks have unleashed a veritable flash flood of change in my life in Germany. The contrasts between my life in Berlin and my life now in Bayern can only be properly described in the stark contrasts of opposites. From a seemingly endless plain of flatness, to the soaring Alps spread out before me. From the city life of Berlin to the village life of Bernau. From the odd house cat as the largest animal in sight, to a dairy farm. From the strictly Hoch Deutsch school to the rapid Bayrisch coming at me from all quarters. It is completely different now. But, for me personally, it is better. I am happy here. There is space. There is nature. There is peace. And my host family is amazing.

      The journey to Bayern was quite an adventure courtesy of the lovely people at Deutsche Bahn. The trip started at ten in the morning lugging a 30 kilogram suitcase on a bus and ended at a little past one in the morning when I finally arrived to my new home. There was a strike. Again. Every time I need to take a train across the country there is a strike. Thank you Deutsche Bahn. Thank you. An eight hour trip was turned into fifteen.

      Up to this point my time in Germany has been a roller coaster in an innumerable amount of ways. Just recently, I have been hit at random times by longings for the oddest things. It has been everything from ice to marching band. Seemingly tiny parts of life at home are what I have missed the most. You would think that it would be huge obvious things, but its not. It is that feeling of being comfortable. It is that assurance that you know what is going on. When you lose those confidences, you feel lost. You start to feel as if you have no control over what is happening around you. It is both immensely humbling and scary. It is not any normal form of fear though. It is the fear of the disconnect. It is an ever present canyon rim a few bad days to your right as you walk along this lonely road.

      It is with this that you truly realize the value of your friends. The ones back home that still take time to talk to you. The new Germans that have taken you in. Your host family. And the other exchange students. The people that truly understand what you are going through and will put up with you at two in the morning talking about your lack of bread. I am so thankful for them. They have made this experience one for a lifetime.

      Oh yeah, school happened. It was school.

      I would like to thank all the people in Berlin that helped make my experience amazing. My host family. My friends from school who were absolutely amazing and made me feel like I belonged. My language school class and the other classes who let me go out with them. And of course the other exchange students that I had unforgettable adventures with. Danke schön. I hope we meet again soon.

Germany: The Fifth Week: The First Week of School and Other Stories

      This past Monday I started German high school. On that first morning, I was filled with trepidation. School in the U.S. is decidedly not exactly fun, and I was nervous to find out how it would play out in Germany. The first day went about as well as I could have ever hoped. I talked to most of my class, and followed most of what was taught. All of them are unbelievably nice and made the first week of school go by quickly.

      My school schedule is fairly simple in terms of block scheduling. I have one double hour class and one single hour class per week of the core subjects. The non-core required subjects get one double hour class per week. Then, I have three additional double hours for three electives once per week. There are twenty minute breaks between each double hour class, and a thirty minute break around lunch time. I am placed in eleventh grade here, and stay with the same class for all but my three elective classes. This first week was a little difficult because of the new room numbering system, and the let's say, "non-traditional" layout of the school. I made it through each day without any major problems, save one. Every day, I felt exhausted when I got up, exhausted at school, exhausted when I got home, and exhausted when I went to bed. My new constant companion in life has been exhaustion. Before I started school, I had heard stories of this from some certain other individuals within AFS Germany. I will admit, at points I did not completely comprehend the gravity of their words. For that, certain unnamed individual, I deeply apologize.
       
      Looking back on the last seven days, it seems to me that they have been some of the most difficult of my life. From school, to the eternal state of exhaustion, and other happenings all have served to collide in an insane juxtaposition of happenstance to cause a heretofore unimaginable Perfect Storm of events. I would like to reiterate one point: this sure ain't a picnic. (Well... I was at a picnic in Gleisdreieck last Sunday.. but that is another story) This past week has been tough, but I made it through, and am ready for what the next one shall bring to bear.

      At the Gateway Orientation they talk about all sorts of helpful tidbits of life in Germany that, as you are sitting there seem rather nebulous. However inane they seemed then, now, most of them have come to fruition. (So boys and girls, pay attention at Gateway Orientations.) One point made that has continued to strike me, is the shifting of goals. When you arrive, your mind has all these grandiose ideas of what true success will be like on exchange. E.g. "I will speak perfect German within one month of arriving", or "Everyone is going to understand what I am saying and not constantly respond to me in English." Well, I lost all of those lofty goals within about 24 hours of arrival. The tiniest victories are what you have to seize upon. When you shift from "I will master the Berlin transit system", to "Well..., I didn't get THAT lost tonight," or "I will sample every döner I see," to "That is just impossible in addition to being absolutely foolhardy and just plain unhealthy." It is then that you can start to appreciate what you are accomplishing. It is when you are saying to yourself, "My, either my German or my miming has improved enough to allow me to go through Aldi without speaking English," or "I think I just had an actual conversation about either geopolitics or football, I am not completely sure which with that drunk guy at the bus stop."

      This journey has just begun. I still have high and mighty goals, but now I have realistic expectations of how long it is going to take to accomplish them. As time goes on, they will hopefully become ever closer to reality. But in the mean time, I can rest assured on one point: I am going to be pro at Charades when I get home.

      I would like to thank my Hobbit for forcing me, under duress, to promise to write this post. Without that strong encouragement and extrinsic motivation, it could have been a long while before an update.

Germany: The First Days

So. It certainly has been a while since I have posted as I was kindly reminded. The last few weeks have been a blur of sights, sounds, smells, emotions, and badly pronounced German. From the start of my journey in Cleveland, to D.C. and the pre-departure orientation, to the flight to Frankfurt and the amazingly long day that I had, all of that, could not compare to what lay ahead for me in Berlin. I remember the first day clearly through a haze. It felt surreal. Suddenly, there were all these people talking to me in German. I do not know why, as I was in Germany, but that fact shocked me deeply. All the rest of the culture shock was still to come though. My first day out in Germany was spent at I.F.A. The largest public consumer electronics show in Europe, if not the world. The main thing that I love about I.F.A is that you can actually try out the items that are being exhibited. Sennheiser allowed you to listen to one of its examples of one of the most advanced head phone systems ever made: The Orpheus. It was a shining mass of chrome and vacuum tubes. The sound of it matched the glory of its appearance.

      The rest of the day was spent seeing the rest, a goal that even after eight hours and ten kilometers of walking was not accomplished. The day after that, language school began. My host brother took me to the school in the morning and told me which bus stops and lines to use as well as the same for the UBahn. When I came home I remembered the proper UBahn line and stops, but I only remembered which bus line. I also did not know where the bus stop was at the UBahn stop. So, I walked down the street which I knew the bus took towards my town for twenty minutes until I found a stop for my bus line. I got on the bus feeling proud of myself, that is until I remembered that I did not remember what the name of the stop was to go to my house. I spent the whole bus ride looking out the window trying to remember what my stop looked like. Eventually I saw it, but the bus did not stop, because apparently, you have to press the stop button to get the bus to stop. (I would like to say that as a suburban midwesterner I have never ridden a city bus before, although I do admit that a stop button should be self explanatory.) It did stop at the next one though. I got off and found my way home with the help of my host father, who had seen me go past the right stop and ran up to meet me. It seemed like a big deal at the time, but now, just a few weeks later, I cannot help but to laugh at myself for messing up one of the simplest things possible. Now, I know better and can actually use the public transport fairly effectively. 

      

      Language school rolled on regularly imparting new knowledge and reawakening much forgotten knowledge from my years of German class. The fun part though, was exploring Berlin when I had free time. I have seen Checkpoint Charlie, Alexanderplatz, the Holocaust Memorial, Potsdamerplatz, and Sansoucci Palace to name but few of the many landmarks that I have been to. The sights have been truly amazing. 

      Despite all of airs that are put on to maintain a facade of absolute happiness during exchange, even in these first few weeks I can assure all that it is not easy in any way. It is not some T.V. show-esque parade of happiness. You feel lonely, you feel confused, and you wander the streets sometimes having absolutely no idea what is going on. The language is difficult, and once you think you can complete a simple task, something goes wrong to ensure that it does not go smoothly. The smallest successes seem like huge victories. e.g. "I finally ordered a döner entirely in german!" Despite all of the hardship, the entire experience is more than worth it, already I can feel myself changing, and growing as an individual. You learn a lot about yourself when you are exhausted and mixing up two languages constantly. Sometimes, you make little revelations as you are thinking about someone in one of the most beautiful buildings on Earth, that it is not really the places that you visit or the things that you buy that live on in your memory; but rather it is the people that you were there with, the people that you shared the experience, and the thoughts, and the words, and perhaps most importantly the feelings with. It is the people that you meet over the entire process that make the exchange experience worth it. And therein lies the value of exchange programs, their true value lies in their ability to not just speak to people, but to their hearts and minds.